Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
