Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize