i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
