so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
