I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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