I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
