made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
