It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He literally asked permission to hit on me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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