I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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