Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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