I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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