Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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