dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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