I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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