Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
