no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize