But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
do herpes really smell.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
