he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
