just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
