Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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