the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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