Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
