Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
