Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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