i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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