I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
