Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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