she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
operation have a gay friend backfired
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize