just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
