I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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