I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
