I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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