yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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