I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
