How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
