I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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