...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
