she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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