Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
