He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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