just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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