he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
