i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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