my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
