She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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