nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
