I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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