You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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