Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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