oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
