I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize