someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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