Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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