fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
