I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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