all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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