I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
