I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize