just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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