Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
