omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
