I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my poor anus
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
