New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
