Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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