Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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