so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
