Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
