I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
