I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
