you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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