im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
